Nothing for months and then they all come along at once. No, I havn't finished having my say today, and I think it would be healthy for me to start using this again more often. Sharing my fears also helps me to control them. But I note my last post was in November - the all clear scan - but I will mention, it didn't cover the thorax (lungs) which is why they're doing another one now, because it should have done then. This IS routine - but it is routine for a reason. And the all clear - the surgeon when I was him did say things like 'well, your cancer was well advanced, you can still get bad surprises even with regular scans'. So, I'm not being paranoid, I am still high risk. Which I'm not enjoying much.
I have always been prone to upper respiratory tracht infections, and I started getting that 'can't breath properly' feel a few days before the symptoms of my cold started. So I'm worried.
But I got into a state before my last scan, so I'm getting into a state before this one too, and soon it will be over and I will be fine.
If I DO have a metastased lung cancer, I'm bloody well leaving here, leaving work, and just going to put all my bloody energy into having a good time before I die. I'm not having fun in my life at the moment, and I'm fed up about it, but I feel I'm in a waiting loop. No point making big changes while I don't know. Then my brain flips and I think, hell, I may not live long, so why aren't I doing exactly and only things that I want to do, and sod everyone and everything else? Then my brain flips again and I think, shit, but cancer treatment is so good now, there is no reason not to be positive about it, so I shall probably live to a ripe old age, how the bloody hell do I pay for that? And I go into the other negative spiral. Then I try to stop that, and I end up doing nothing. Stasis.
Better than metastasis.
February 20, 2011
General update... nothing special
In fact, it really would be time for there to BE something special for me to blog about. I read other people's blogs and they are all doing things, meeting people, having fun, rushing about - life, quoi. I am... well, I don't leave the flat much, I realise. Flat - car - shops; flat - car - therapy of some sort; flat - car - office. I am trying to force myself out more. I have become seriously de-socialised, and going out is- a bit scarey. But very energising when I do it (well, not the weekly shopping). Went into the office on Friday and had a really positive day, met new useful people, lots of networking etc. etc. Should do it more often, but - don't.
I have taken the step of managing to find a British contingent in Montp via Facebook - not met any of them yet, but have identified the organiser of weekly get togethers, and he is going to tell me when they occur (not regular). I would like to meet some Brits. I would like to make some friends, generally - and my own, not just people L knows or has been married to.
I am seeing a therapist - counsellor - whatever you call her. I probably mentioned that in a previous post, but havn't looked to see. I suffered from suicidal depression around Xmas, she has helped me to come out of that, and is helping me to bring back the positive in my life. I'm so nervous of everything now - and trying to work out what to do about practicalities like, I can't get life insurance (or not at an affordable price) to cover a mortgage - how much can I afford - I need a place of my own! - where? do I want to be here? - why havn't I cancelled the insurance for the flat I havn't been renting for 3 years? why am I so crap? - life in general just seems really hard to handle - plummeting self confidence, do I need to worry about my future, what's my life-expectancy, 5 years, 10 years? I'm finding my breathing slightly difficult and they are doing a lung scan (that is routine, because my cancer can easily have metastased; I incidentally am finding it slightly difficult to breath, please note I've had a cold), have I got lung cancer?
Well, that was letting my brain free-wheel for a moment. So, I'm still in a bit of a state, I notice. But overall, I try not to be, and of course that is why I havn't cancelled my insurance/paid my house tax in Limoux/done lots of other practical paperwork stuff/don't go out - I avoid anything I don't like, ignore anything that can perturb me, and generally be an ostrich. It's getting better I'm sure - although I'll be pleased to get the all clear from the scan beginning March.
I wish L liked the outdoors more, it would be good for me to go out walking in the country more, in company, in the sun, enjoy the view and the wind and the birdies, he just doesn't care about that stuff. I am just not good about getting in the car and driving to places to walk - I like it to be immediately available. They are building on the part that was still wild here. I do like to enjoy that stuff in company too. Oh well. Getting out of bed would be a start, eh.
I have taken the step of managing to find a British contingent in Montp via Facebook - not met any of them yet, but have identified the organiser of weekly get togethers, and he is going to tell me when they occur (not regular). I would like to meet some Brits. I would like to make some friends, generally - and my own, not just people L knows or has been married to.
I am seeing a therapist - counsellor - whatever you call her. I probably mentioned that in a previous post, but havn't looked to see. I suffered from suicidal depression around Xmas, she has helped me to come out of that, and is helping me to bring back the positive in my life. I'm so nervous of everything now - and trying to work out what to do about practicalities like, I can't get life insurance (or not at an affordable price) to cover a mortgage - how much can I afford - I need a place of my own! - where? do I want to be here? - why havn't I cancelled the insurance for the flat I havn't been renting for 3 years? why am I so crap? - life in general just seems really hard to handle - plummeting self confidence, do I need to worry about my future, what's my life-expectancy, 5 years, 10 years? I'm finding my breathing slightly difficult and they are doing a lung scan (that is routine, because my cancer can easily have metastased; I incidentally am finding it slightly difficult to breath, please note I've had a cold), have I got lung cancer?
Well, that was letting my brain free-wheel for a moment. So, I'm still in a bit of a state, I notice. But overall, I try not to be, and of course that is why I havn't cancelled my insurance/paid my house tax in Limoux/done lots of other practical paperwork stuff/don't go out - I avoid anything I don't like, ignore anything that can perturb me, and generally be an ostrich. It's getting better I'm sure - although I'll be pleased to get the all clear from the scan beginning March.
I wish L liked the outdoors more, it would be good for me to go out walking in the country more, in company, in the sun, enjoy the view and the wind and the birdies, he just doesn't care about that stuff. I am just not good about getting in the car and driving to places to walk - I like it to be immediately available. They are building on the part that was still wild here. I do like to enjoy that stuff in company too. Oh well. Getting out of bed would be a start, eh.
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