It's like buses, eh

Nothing for months and then they all come along at once. No, I havn't finished having my say today, and I think it would be healthy for me to start using this again more often. Sharing my fears also helps me to control them. But I note my last post was in November - the all clear scan - but I will mention, it didn't cover the thorax (lungs) which is why they're doing another one now, because it should have done then.  This IS routine - but it is routine for a reason. And the all clear - the surgeon when I was him did say things like 'well, your cancer was well advanced, you can still get bad surprises even with regular scans'. So, I'm not being paranoid, I am still high risk. Which I'm not enjoying much.

I have always been prone to upper respiratory tracht infections, and I started getting that 'can't breath properly' feel a few days before the symptoms of my cold started. So I'm worried.

But I got into a state before my last scan, so I'm getting into a state before this one too, and soon it will be over and I will be fine.

If I DO have a metastased lung cancer, I'm bloody well leaving here, leaving work, and just going to put all my bloody energy into having a good time before I die. I'm not having fun in my life at the moment, and I'm fed up about it, but I feel  I'm in a waiting loop. No point making big changes while I don't know. Then my brain flips and I think, hell, I may not live long, so why aren't I doing exactly and only things that I want to do, and sod everyone and everything else? Then my brain flips again and I think, shit, but cancer treatment is so good now, there is no reason not to be positive about it, so I shall probably live to a ripe old age, how the bloody hell do I pay for that? And I go into the other negative spiral. Then I try to stop that, and I end up doing nothing. Stasis.

Better than metastasis.