Yay it worked!

So I have found my way around the new interface - you can tell I don't blog that much, eh! I think this interface changed at least 3 months ago. So, yes, my post is on my blog. And there was something else I wanted to add, but it has flown right out of my head. I am a butterfly, fluttering by, beautiful but short-lived. No, that's negative. Or is it? why do we all desperately want to live long, without necessarily living well? Why not just say, bugger this, I've had enough, let's see what's next? Surely death is our greatest adventure?

Anyway, that sort of rather scary philosophising is not what I actually wanted to talk about, which has now come back to me. Work. I am signed off for the month of December - at least it's a holiday month a lot. I hope to be back at work first half of January - this really is not a big intervention physically, although huge emotionally. But I am so angry at this bloody cancer coming along again now, just when I was starting to be effective again, just when I was starting to be appreciated again just when I was about, at last, to be promoted. Who is going to want to bet on someone who is going to get a new cancer problem every 2 years or so, or at unpredictable intervals require time off for treatment, and be emotionally undependable?

No-one, that's who.

Damn it.

I'm not quite sure about this

I seem to have lost my blog. At least I think I have. And this may or may not be posting to it. I'm confused. When I log in, I can see posts from all the blogs I follow (the darling Tilling-sur-Aude most, of course!), but I cannot see mine. Where is it? Why am I being thwarted in this way? I could easily spiral into a 'life hates me' moment.

And ok, since today is the day that I go to hospital to have (probably) a lump of lung cut out, I could be somewhat justified about that attitude. I prefer to consider it as 'cancer loves me' - I'm a lovable sort of person, who can blame it? However, I do consider it to be selfish in demanding so much attention just at Christmas, which I had intended to spend with my parents, keeping them company and preventing my brother from feeling too guilty at not having them up at their place.

I am concerned about the food. Crimble is a time when one should be stuffing ones face and feeling far far too fed. I have stayed in hospital at weekends, when the staff is minimal: food is not good. And since I have a certain amount of special eating requirements, I could say, food is inedible except soup, which has the benefit of being wet and tasteless.

I cheer myself up from a conversation with a patient in the waiting room at this new hospital (Arnaud de Villeneuve, not been there before). He said the food there is great. Apparently they stole the catering staff from another place that was being closed down, and they do lots of lovely stuff, including pasta. Pasta I can eat. I am a highly gifted pasta-eater. Even if there's no sauce, as long as there's a bit of butter or olive oil, I can shovel it down. Also rice. I live in hope.

Now there's the phrase for the day. Live in hope.

Oh - one point. I might be rejected by the hospital, because as of Thursday evening I came down with a cold. I have drugged myself to the absolute max., including finding a few old anti-biotics for respiratory-tract infections in the cupboard; I took them as a precaution, because I could feel the tightness coming, and they definitely helped. But I didn't have enough, so today I am preventing snottiness with sprays and pills; and taking some anti-cough stuff, even though I'm not coughing; and I hope, hope, hope they don't decide I'm not in a fit state to operate. It is a dody situation. But I really do not want them to post-pone. Crimble in hospital n all, I'd rather get it over with and know where I'm at.

Oh wish me luck, everyone.

Bloggie de Riviere

Rather like Tilling sur Aude... a link to another franglais blog that all my franglais friends will enjoy, I'm sure!

http://sarahhague.blogspot.com/2011/08/ticking-of-old-office-clock.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+blogspot%2FabhTR+%28St+Bloggie+de+Riviere%29

I love this comic, but I sort of wish I hadn't read this...

The comic-writer's wife has had (been treated for) cancer. This is the comic I just found... So accurate!

http://xkcd.com/931/

Figures for tonsil cancer are generally considered to be a 50% chance of survival > 5 years. That's not a very happy thought. On a big plus side, those figures are now quite old, and treatment has improved. So I could say 50% survive > 10 years; or maybe 75%> 5 years; or both, of course; and I may or may not be in the 50%, or the 75%, and that's the real buggery bit this comic says, of course. You live, as my doctor so depressingly put it, with a sword of Damocles hanging over you. You just do.

So, thinking all that stuff, why aren't I throwing up my humdrum life and going off round the world, breeding cats, writing my great novel, using the money I have to live for what may be my last few years to the absolute full? Above all, why the hell am I living a life that I really do not enjoy?

Paradoxically, it's because I'm scared about life if I do survive, and am scared by life now. I don't think I used to be scared of anything really,  but now, I am, and that scareyness has made me stop taking any chances or stepping out at all. I want to live old, and I want to get really good treatment for whatever ailments I may have when I'm old, and I want to be able to live comfortably, and I don't want to be poor. So, I am putting up with constant pissed-offedness and frustration now, in the hope I'll be able to afford to live in not total penury when I'm old and alone (because, remember, I have no children to care for me in my old age).

No, OK, I don't approve either. But it doesn't half knock you for six, takes your feet out from under you, and that at an age where many people are finding life and ageing a challenge anyway. I'm really very very lacking in confidence.

I am still hoping to gain... a sense of self-worth through my work. I am used to being appreciated, I am used to being a star, one of the best; and I am actually really stubbornly sticking with what I have now, because I want to be acknowledged, I want them to promote me. I want to be a success. Then I won't mind leaving!

Plus, of course, there is just not much choice round here. I feel so trapped.

Mixing up names

Schopenhauer and Schoenberg. Not mixable? Sure they are, I just did it. I mix up Barbara and Beatrice (and Brigitte); Sam and Steve; Peter and Paul. If I get the first sound right, I'm generally doing quite well. Mixing up Tom and Alan is not beyond me.

However I had massive disdain  thrown upon me my someone I've not met and obviously never will. Also disdain from them for apparently giving them advice on their relationships, (which I did not, I gave an opinion of possible challenges, which is not the same thing at all). Wonder why they've never, ever had a relationship with anyone, ever? maybe because they are a stuffed shirt aunty, incapable of normal human intercourse, including hearing an opinion that they don't necessarily like or agree with (politely stated), without taking umbrage.

It's not like me at all to get annoyed by such things! but I found them downright rude and it's wound me up.

With special thanks to:

I realise I did not do my friends in the UK proud. I was housed, fed, entertained and cared for by some dear lovely people, and I would like to say special thanks to:

Rachel - wonder-cook, Scrabble player, gossiper and gardener extraordinaire, plus lovely friend who I've known about the same length of time as Michael!

Helen - Rachel's lodger who was really helpful and leant me a phone, a travel card thing, and conversation.

Michael - and goats - for caring and sharing. Especially the sharing. Long long talks and lovely food.

Julie and Edwin - for being bonkers yet and at the same time lovely.

Kate - for being their daughter and yet still relatively sane. All things are relative. Bestest cusnin and funny woman. Not got the cooking bit yet.

Debs - for being my best friend and also for knowing that Cooking is Love. Thank you for the love, the talk, the cribbage, the dogs (well, ok not them) and the pretty bedroom!

Al - for joining in the cribbage and the Scrabble, and for the interesting falling-over incident :)

Elizabeth - well actually for much the same as all the above! I have now adopted roast asparagus as a regular dish.

Apologies to everyone else who I didn't see. I Will Be Back. You are warned!

Hello Keith

I have just seen that I have a new follower, how very chuffing. I have since investigated a little further and found that he homes a sort of centralised blog, 'A Taste of Garlic', which aims to link to all sorts of other expat-in-France blogs, plus doing a bit of blogging journalism. Good stuff. Have recommended Nilz' blog, at least it's interesting and mouvementé and not health-obsessed!

Considering starting a non-cancer blog, but not sure I have anything interesting to say. Fairly good at waffling, but I expect I'd mostly talk about cats and the things I'm supposed to be doing (gardening, housework...). Of course, updating my normal-life-blog would be a new and wonderful excuse not to do those things!

I'm alright I'm alright I'm alright

I spent time with the surgeon (who still won't marry me), he showed me the scans and how they decide whether there's a problem. In this case, the nodule - which shows as a white blob - is the same size this time as 2 months ago, 9mm; so they consider it to be stable and not a problem. I'm back to 6 month scans. Woop!

At the same time I had him look at the lump I have on the inner lower right back jaw, by the wisdom tooth. He says also not cancerous, but he gave me the number of a dentist who specialises in working with radiotherapy patients: I may have some issues with the jaw bone, as in bone death. They don't like saying it like that, they prefer 'osteonecrosis'. Big words, same problem. Probable surgery. Rats. Better then cancer, though.

No-one's reading this... except maybe Sreich (who he? Ed)

Clearly all my regular friends and followers have wandered off now the crisis is over, but again, for passing people who (like me) were scared and wanted to know the follow-up, and for Sreich because I pointed him here, I will give an update - although more to come next week, I guess.

So, the results from the last scan were 'it's still there, we'd rather it wasn't, we think it's probably nothing so you have to remain positive' and another scan in 2 months - that's next week now.

I initially had kittens all over the place - my cats were not impressed - but only for a few days. Then I decided there was nothing wrong. Or, if there is, I will deal with it when I get there, and it will be very minor compared to what I had before, because in its infance. So - no problem, and positive thinking goes on!

I had a complete BLIND back in the UK, saw loads of people, didn't see loads more, but really got back to being me - was energised, regained my confidence, made another step towards being nice to myself (I got tired. I stayed where I was for a week and didn't go and see some of the people I was intending to), talked and talked and TALKED, played Scrabble, played Crib, and TALKED. Actually made my mouth hurt from talking so much!

Back here, people keep remarking how fantastic I look, how I am glowing, and I was - still am. However, sadly in the domestic centre smiles are still not accepted currency. I am not taking it personally - it's not because of me, and it is not me seeing a biased view - so outside of that, I am still managing to be full of pezazz. Perzazz. Pazzazz. Oh, whatever. Zip!

I had a very successful interview on Wednesday, and also my internal team is being reorganised and it could be very interesting, so all in all, watch this space.

So... the excitement continues eh

I havn't posted since February, and that is good news. In fact I have been feeling better and better - yes I'm still taking the tablets, and they are definitely helping to stop me killing L; not all the desire to kill him being his fault, poor thing. I am generally more balanced overall, and moving back towards the energetic, positive person I vaguely remember as being me. I have been or several internal interviews within Dell for better, more interesting, or at the very least DIFFERENT, jobs, and I believe I am coming over well. All looks lovely.

But, oh! the universe cannot let such pleasures continue, eh?

So I had my scan in February, including thorax (lung cavity). That showed a teeny nodule in the right lung, which could be nothing, it was a clean round shape, and could easily be the sort of passing nodule that we all get; but they don't like to take any chances so in March I had a PET scan - the sort where they inject you with a radioactive product and you glow afterwards. Then yesterday I had a follow up normal scan. Surgeon called me back same day and said nodule was still there, whereas he would like it to have gone. He is not sure about it, so he is going to discuss it at the weekly team meet on Tuesday. I'm in Spain on hols. next week, and he said he wouldn't bother me while I was on holiday, I should call him when I get back. Depending how tense or not I am, I may call him from Spain anyway. 'Don't want to bother you while you're on holiday and anyway you need to relax' sounds like he expects it to lead to treatment needs, or at least further investigation, rather than a 'don't worry it's fine'.

So anyway my brain has turned back into a sponge, it is quite amazing how I cannot concentrate. Work has told me to stop for the rest of the week which I am, but I found doing something was necessary, so I went and cut hedges for as long as my pathetic hedge-cutter's battery lasted. Am recharging and will do more, then will take residue to the dump. Busy is better than brooding.

So watch this space, if you happen still to be following.

I really do not want them to say 'start treatment immediately' and bugger up my trip to the UK.

It's like buses, eh

Nothing for months and then they all come along at once. No, I havn't finished having my say today, and I think it would be healthy for me to start using this again more often. Sharing my fears also helps me to control them. But I note my last post was in November - the all clear scan - but I will mention, it didn't cover the thorax (lungs) which is why they're doing another one now, because it should have done then.  This IS routine - but it is routine for a reason. And the all clear - the surgeon when I was him did say things like 'well, your cancer was well advanced, you can still get bad surprises even with regular scans'. So, I'm not being paranoid, I am still high risk. Which I'm not enjoying much.

I have always been prone to upper respiratory tracht infections, and I started getting that 'can't breath properly' feel a few days before the symptoms of my cold started. So I'm worried.

But I got into a state before my last scan, so I'm getting into a state before this one too, and soon it will be over and I will be fine.

If I DO have a metastased lung cancer, I'm bloody well leaving here, leaving work, and just going to put all my bloody energy into having a good time before I die. I'm not having fun in my life at the moment, and I'm fed up about it, but I feel  I'm in a waiting loop. No point making big changes while I don't know. Then my brain flips and I think, hell, I may not live long, so why aren't I doing exactly and only things that I want to do, and sod everyone and everything else? Then my brain flips again and I think, shit, but cancer treatment is so good now, there is no reason not to be positive about it, so I shall probably live to a ripe old age, how the bloody hell do I pay for that? And I go into the other negative spiral. Then I try to stop that, and I end up doing nothing. Stasis.

Better than metastasis.

General update... nothing special

In fact, it really would be time for there to BE something special for me to blog about. I read other people's blogs and they are all doing things, meeting people, having fun, rushing about - life, quoi. I am... well, I don't leave the flat much, I realise. Flat - car - shops; flat - car - therapy of some sort; flat - car - office. I am trying to force myself out more. I have become seriously de-socialised, and going out is- a bit scarey. But very energising when I do it (well, not the weekly shopping). Went into the office on Friday and had a really positive day, met new useful people, lots of networking etc. etc. Should do it more often, but - don't.

I have taken the step of managing to find a British contingent in Montp via Facebook - not met any of them yet, but have identified the organiser of weekly get togethers, and he is going to tell me when they occur (not regular). I would like to meet some Brits. I would like to make some friends, generally - and my own, not just people L knows or has been married to.

I am seeing a therapist - counsellor - whatever you call her. I probably mentioned that in a previous post, but havn't looked to see. I suffered from suicidal depression around Xmas, she has helped me to come out of that, and is helping me to bring back the positive in my life. I'm so nervous of everything now - and trying to work out what to do about practicalities like, I can't get life insurance (or not at an affordable price) to cover a mortgage - how much can I afford - I need a place of my own! - where? do I want to be here? - why havn't I cancelled the insurance for the flat I havn't been renting for 3 years? why am I so crap? - life in general just seems really hard to handle - plummeting self confidence, do I need to worry about my future, what's my life-expectancy, 5 years, 10 years? I'm finding my breathing slightly difficult and they are doing a lung scan (that is routine, because my cancer can easily have metastased; I incidentally am finding it slightly difficult to breath, please note I've had a cold), have I got lung cancer?

Well, that was letting my brain free-wheel for a moment. So, I'm still in a bit of a state, I notice. But overall, I try not to be, and of course that is why I havn't cancelled my insurance/paid my house tax in Limoux/done lots of other practical paperwork stuff/don't go out - I avoid anything I don't like, ignore anything that can perturb me, and generally be an ostrich. It's getting better I'm sure - although I'll be pleased to get the all clear from the scan beginning March.

I wish L liked the outdoors more, it would be good for me to go out walking in the country more, in company, in the sun, enjoy the view and the wind and the birdies, he just doesn't care about that stuff. I am just not good about getting in the car and driving to places to walk - I like it to be immediately available. They are building on the part that was still wild here. I do like to enjoy that stuff in company too. Oh well. Getting out of bed would be a start, eh.