As Kat said... Nearly there!

Hi, all, first post for a while, sorry. As Kat just mailed me (and I've nabbed a lump out of my reply to her to save typing lol), really nearly there - next week is my last week of radiation therapy, and Thursday I have my last 3 days chemo.

I've been not too good since my last chemo, and have actually spent this week in hospital, because my nutrition had basically stopped and I was constantly nauseous. It's NICE being looked after!! Someone is going to come and wash my back in a while, and then they are going to wash my hair (can't shower due to the usual paraphernalia of tubes attached lol). They have got me back on track-ish now, I am on 24 hour non-stop goo at a very very slow rate (40ml/hour); and I only occasionally need anti-sick stuff, usually at about 4.30 a.m., at least it gives the night nurse something to do . I need to get them to weigh me today, I lost 2kg last week, and I will have lost more this week I'm sure, I've only been managing about 850 cals a day tops. This means that I am eating into muscle, rather than fat, because that's what the body does when it is using its own resources, sounds pretty stupid to me but no doubt there are good reasons. However, it is not at all desirable, and takes a long time to get back even a small loss, so they are really keen for me to stay until they feel I'm 'sorted'.

I think I probably am now, had a few sessions with a psychologist, too, and had my breakthrough as being 'I need to have the right to be weak'. Because it's hard, all this positive thinking malarky. Be strong, keep your chin up, must fight it, blah blah... there is quite a keen debate going on amongst cancer sufferers about the bad side of positive thinking, which implies that if you are ill, if you don't beat the cancer, then it is your fault. I didn't feel like that at all at first, but I must admit I do now. You can't be positive all the time, you can't put on a brave face all the time, or you end up doing what I did - the day before I was hospitalised, I got all dressed up and looked 'splendid', a friend said, I did some gardening, and went for a nice long walk (about an hour??) with my friends, in the lovely sun. No-one had any idea things were not hunky-dory. But I knew they weren't. And the next day, the doctor and the nutritionist both recommended I go home, pack a bag, and come straight back for a stay, so I did.

Ugh. English Breakfast tea, no milk, made with luke warm water. Oh well. At least I can swallow it.