'bout time too eh

I decided, it really really is time I updated this. I strongly remember that one of the things that most frustrated and upset me when I was desperate and seeking info. was the fact that the other tonsil cancer blogs I found just - stopped. As soon as they got well, or at least considerably  better, total silence. And there am I, doing the same thing.

Well, it is understandable, you know. Frankly, you want to stop thinking of yourself as someone with cancer. Once you feel better, you want to put it all behind you as much as possible. You nevertheless remain scared: it is still early days, and it takes 5 years at least cancer-free before anyone would start saying things like 'cured'. Frankly, one doesn't like to think about that bit.

Meanwhile - I am well. The cut off my tummy tube on August 13th. I had a thrombosis on the portacath at some oint, and had to have daily injections for 4 months, which gave me bruises all over my tummy and thighs, very fetching; but they finished and August, and now - I have NO MORE cancer related treatments! Check ups and stuff, of course, yes.

I can eat almost normally. Have started being able to cope with some spicy stuff. Have some saliva issues, not much. Don't eat meat much, too dry and chewy, don't touch bread or bready-type things. Still have physio and speech therapy. Face/neck are much less swollen, really just a boring double chin left. They did a BRILL job on my tracheo scar, you can't see it at ALL now. My wrist/arm is (are?) pretty good - oh except that I fell over and saved myself on my outstretched left arm the other day and hurt it all the way up. Fainted and got taken off to hospital where they checked EVERYTHING - I was in emergency for 12 hours. So - you'll be pleased to know I'm not epileptic, I have a brilliantly healthy heart, my brain scan is normal, and all round there is nothing wrong with me; I have a slightly displaced shoulder, bruised wrist area and mildly fractured elbow. Lot of fuss about nothing (OK yes it does hurt but hey).

I am working part time, from home. This is great - if I want to I work in bed, typing away tippy-tappy, on eht phone, don't have to get dressed or anything, slob about all I want and still work just as hard. Sometimes I get tired and just stop, go to sleep if I want to, etc. Mostly, it's not a prob., I am able to be lazy. Of course, I have to fit in the therapies etc.

I feel... unused, dissatisfied, so I just bought a load of books on linguistics and have started reading that. Want to stretch my mind out.

So - there! Anyone else who I don't know, who is scared and looking for hope - there is TONS of hope! modern surgery is fantastic, but also so are the improvements in radiotherapy techniques. They are able to target the areas for treatment very minutely, rather than the broad zapping they used to do. That is why I do not have massive saliva problems - they came to realise that the major saliva glands, although they produce the quantity, are not the ones that provide the quality; it's all the little tiny saliva glands, which are dotted all over the mouth area, which make the saliva other than just viscous yuk. So, they are careful to target only the necessary areas to treat, so as to cause as little damage to the general glands as possible; that way, you can, when recovered, regain both quantity and quality.

Equally, although I am still having physio and speech therapy, the long-standing physical effects are very small. Yes, my skin has aged. I'm pissed off about that, OK; before I was ill, I looked really good for 50... now, I have a bit of a chicken neck, and I have creases around my mouth. And my chin. Well... I look my age, I guess. Good grief, that could be worse! (but vanity, vanity is a dire thing). Yes, long-term my teeth will probably suffer, although I am trying to be good about brushing them lots and soaking them in high-fluoride every night (whilst still in my mouth I might add ha ha). I lost 10 kg overall (something over 20lbs) and that is a GOOD thing, now I am officially no longer anorexic. In fact, I've started putting it back on again and I may have to forgo my puddings and Magnums! Damn!

Long-term change of life - I don't smoke and I drink very little.

It is important to realise, though, that it takes a long time to recover properly. The surgery, the radiation, the chemo, and of course the illness itself - it all takes a lot of energy to recover from. I feel indignant from time to time that my doctors still want me to be on part time; but then again, any little thing unbalances me. After I fell over, I was still getting tearful for no reason, a week later. I have to admit I'm still a bit pathetic even if most of the time I don't feel like I am! So - you have to be nice to yourself. You have been though major surgery, intensive poisoning, and emotional and psychological trauma. You're allowed to be a bit pathetic for a while, eh.

So - THANK YOU, thank you, to all those who supported me through this time, and courage, courage to anyone who has this problem. You will get through it. Feel free to post here and let me know if you would like 'buddying'.