One year scan all clear

I got myself into a real tizzy about this. I don't know why. There was no physiological reason to be anxious - all is going swimmingly. And I was never in a state for the other scans, and I've had a fair old few. But this time, I was really really scared, and absolutely foul because of it for a fortnight before hand.

It was fine. My radiotherapist was his normal lovely self - his baby sleeps well now - and he gave me a thorough examination, which hurt; it's all a lot better but when you prod it, it still hurts. Especially under the tongue, when I said 'ow' there, he had a further good old feel and said those dreaded words, 'You've got something there'. Oh my GOD never say that to a cancer patient! But I explained it was where they'd removed the very large ganglion (is that the English word? well if it's not, you'll have to translate), plus one of the points of attachment for the graft, so altogether it's a scarred area, and he was ok about that.

He had me have a blood-test, make sure everything is balanced ok, plus I have to do a 24-hour urine test plus blood test, make sure the kidneys are working ok. I have no qualms.

My physio is still working on me. When I first started going to see her, my throat went in a straight line from my chin to my noticeable, deep-pocket tracheo scar; it was hard and painful. My face was swollen. I looked pretty rubbish.

A few months on, my facial swelling has completely gone. I have a bit of a double chin which is still hard to the touch, which is still the tongue needing more work, but not much; and the right-hand side of the neck is stiff and painful to handle, where they cut it open to remove the glands; she is working on that and on my shoulder, which was painful before-hand so she's including it in the general work. My wrist, where the graft was taken, is flesh coloured and not very noticeable, although it will always be a slightly strange shape side-one, where they took the muscle; but she doesn't work on it much any more, it is more or less fine. Sure, it is still numb up the side of the thumb, and there is the strange hyper-sensitive nodule in the middle of it, and I have developed a cyst which makes long-term keyboard use rather uncomfortable - but they are minor discomforts and most of the time I don't notice it. In fact the only time I really notice it is if I go to a concert and applaud a lot - that hurts!

I had a minor op to have the tracheo scar sorted: it had a lot of adhesions that were affecting my swallowing, and it was ugly as sin. Now you can't see it, really, you would have to point it out to people!

The only scar I don't like is the port-a-cath one. That is still painful - physio gives it a bash from time to time - and ugly, although small; I may very well ask for it to be laser-ed too, some point in the future.

What else, to make this complete... my eating is fine. I avoid meat, as it's chewy and dry; although I will eat roast chicken if there's plenty of gravy, and pasta sauces with ham or chicken in; and with winter coming, could manage stews fine. But a lot of fish instead. I have developed an insatiable sweet-tooth - I still eat a Magnum a day, and usually at least one Danette. I have rediscovered chocolate, although it is no longer as addictively yummy as it was. I still don't eat bread, or anything that sucks up the saliva or coats the mouth. One always has to be a bit careful, there is the possibility of choking, but it doesn't happen much. My weight is fine, in fact I've put a kilo on in the last month and want to lose it again!

That's it really. I am still working part time from home, because I still have too many therapies (speech therapy, physio) plus check ups to make it sensible to rush back and forth from office to them; and because the French health service is very, very careful about putting people back to work. I was 'inspected' by the health service doctor recently, she was very sweet, said she gave me the right to continue on part time till April if I need it. And she told me to go and see a psychologist if I need it. (They have psychologists here, who are psychiatrists, but they have not done the full medical training; psychiatrists are medical doctors who have then done psychology).

I don't know. I am very up and down. I recognise that I am not emotionally stable and not always in a very good place. But to be honest, I think not working and not seeing people is one of the reasons I get down. My sense of self-worth is pretty low, and I am isolated. I should be feeling really pleased with myself about work - I managed to have a new role invented, wrote the job description, and got the job: how cool is that? But it's all part of my not getting recognition and feeling I'm in a dead-end job: and I'm not as young as I was, by any means. The bloke they brought in to 'cover' for me, was taken on at a grade above me - the grade up I should have had, but I wasn't there; and my new role was not announced as a managerial role, my manager did not use the magic 'manager' word in the announcement. And I'm still on the same grade I was nearly 3 years ago. Pretty lowly. I find that very depressing. I find thinking about retirement very depressing! But there - I hide my head in the sand and think about it... tomorrow.

Right now, have to fly to the physio.

Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.