Christmas and all that jazz

Many thanks to Lins for her long and thought provoking post. As far as her suggestions about sitting around on mountains or on squares go... I feel she may have forgotten what 'cold' means!!! But I do like her idea of thinking now about next year; although I'm not sure I can do it. I'm pretty much one day at a time at the moment, I feel in limbo just waiting for the radio therapy and chemo to start. But I don't approve of the total non-Christmas-ness I feel - I have not been shopping at all, and hell I miss charity shops! My UK habit was to be buying things I saw throughout the year, there was always interesting/fun/silly stuff around - the French shopping world is less full of it and almost entirely lacking charity/second hand shops. Although, there is a big boot sale near here every Sunday morning - still one weekend to go. I havn't seen anything that made me go 'oh, I just HAVE to buy that for x' when we've been, but I think I've also been very self-centered; and being with Lionel cramps my style rather, he likes New and can't understand why I like all this dirty old stuff, especially the weird things I tend to be attracted by. But at least it does mean I am not filling this place up even more with useless Stuff, because I am very gifted at that.

Anyway - I'm rambling rather this evening - I'm rambling rather all together, actually, I have very low concentration and my memory seems to have stopped. All part of my limbo, I think - a blankness in the brain linked to non-planning. This is not depression, although there is of course an element of fear in it - everyone has been so careful to tell me that the radiotherapy is really going to hurt and just exactly what the side-effects of the chemo are going to be. So - hell, surely I should be taking advantage of this festive season, especially since I'm eating so much better now (boudin blanc and rosti last night), also seeing my family and enjoying them while I'm feeling good. That is far more important than buying bloody presents, or even sending cards, although I really do want to do that, because I want to thank people for all the good wishes - small problem of a) having lost my address book (cat AStrophe!!) and b) knowing that various people have moved, and I know I don't have their new address - it feels complicated, so I'm dodging it. Can't dodge it for too long, or I'll be too late.

Lins however has quite rightly pointed out that when I go to my folks, I normally look after them, and I won't be able to, which will frustrate me; and they won't be able to look after me, which will frustrate them; and we'll still both try to look after eachother and get worried and cross with eachother for doing it... and Russ and Pat may end up looking after all of us, which would be totally unfair; especially as, even if I'm doing really well, I still have some food preparation specialist requirements, which at Christmas would have to be a pain.

So - resolution - tomorrow is my shopping day - oh. Rats - it is also Wednesday, so L only works in the morning, and therefore I will be taking him into town in the afternoon, and we will be shopping together. Now that has its assets - he can carry stuff :D - but again, his tastes are so different, and he also relies on me to choose purchases for his family. So - resolution - Thursday I will go out on my own and shop. Buy hideous French greetings cards (why can't they do nice ones??) and stamps, and try to find some pressies for close family. I'd really like to buy Lionel something nice, but he has expensive tastes - I mean what he really wants is a bloody great HD TV, 22" or something equally awful - but even if we pay 50/50 we can't afford it, which frankly is a relief. The other thing he has always really wanted is a good StarWars light wand... do you realise they are about 150€??? Really! that is ridiculous.

Oh - and it has to be a cheap Christmas too - that 1200€ for the dentist, I'm not getting back. Having also paid out 1000€ for some work on my house for that month, plus normal out goings like car payment etc., even though I was in hospital I went so over drawn that I was 'interdit bancaire' (this means you are not allowed to write cheques that have no funds to pay them) and had a cheque bounce while I was in hospital -  so this month's salary was largely noshed before I started... this sort of economic problem has not happened to me for so many years! Charity shops, where are youuuuuuuuuu.

I am tempted by the electronic card solution - but it is just not so good, is it?