Happy bloody new year

Christmas was nice, I was really feeling pretty energetic and much more myself by that week, we had friends round on the 23rd, made it as easy as poss using frozen canapés and stuff, there was 8 of us in all, it was a lovely evening washed down entirely with champagne. Then Russ and Pat and Pa came down on the 27th, which was a similar sort of meal plus soup, and it was great to see them, and great for them to see me on good form. Ma sadly couldn't make it because she had a cold and felt crappy, plus it was important I didn't catch it. On the 24th we had a dinner just me, Lionel and David his son; L had cooked a duckling (I guess - canette) plus purée and green beans, the duckling was cooked in its juices with mixed wild mushrooms and it was lovely BUT - I couldn't eat it; and the purée was too dry for me too; and I ended up chocking and having to spit a mouthful out and felt really bad for L who'd made the effort...

But, well, he also didn't make the effort to add the requisite things to the purée for me, or to do anything about it when I had those probs. In fact, I'm really pissed off with him at the moment. We had a massive row a while back, I was saying I needed more support like cuddles and understanding, and, well, I sure as hell didn't get it. He accused me of refusing to stop being ill - I can't remember the exact words, but I actually think I'm doing a brilliant job of coping, and he's not. But he refuses point blank to see a psychologist or any other form of support.

So Monday, started the chemo and the radiotherapy. Most of the chemo was having a large quantity of water dripped into me, and peeing in containers to make sure a large quantity was also coming out. The chemo itself only took 2 hours. The radio doesn't take long, 5 or 10 mins - and they've moved the appointment from 7 pm to 3pm which is much better. While still in hospital they also added plenty of other stuff into the drips to control nausea, which obviously worked because I really felt fine, apart from I had a totally splitting headache, and over-sensitivity to light, which the nurse reckoned was probably because of the quantity of liquid they were shoving in me (3 litres/24 hours).  I have to stay at 2 litres a day (although it can be soup, tea, anything, not necessarily just water), and work myself back up to 3 litres a day a couple of days before the next chemo session.

Back home Wednesday, feeling a bit tired, went to bed at about 6 for a rest, woke up at about 8.30 had some soup, couldn't face anything else, took anti-sick pills L had gone to get for me (such an impressive array of things to take I had to write myself out a special schedule). This managed to cause a row, because I knew exactly  which pills I needed to take, and he refused to listen and read the papers and told me which ones - wrongly. I had to go and get my schedule and show it to him to make him listen. I mean, the ones he wanted me to take were anti-nausea, yes, but for the first 3 days I had these special extra-anti-nausea ones, which even had their own special prescription with extra copies that had to be sent to various places.

So I got my pills, and went to sleep again. L came to bed at about 1, I was vaguely aware; I woke up at about 3 to go to the loo/mouth wash (have to do lots and lots of mouth washes with a foul mixture of bicarb of soda, aspirine and some nasty pink stuff - 7 to 10 times a day) - thought I wouldn't get back to sleep again (had a bit of a battle with L's snoring), but in fact slept right on until 10.30!

Wasn't feeling good, and needed some other pills for the morning - discovered that I had only been given one box of 2 pills of the special doobries, the others needed collecting today. I talked to L about it, that he'd need to get them for me. I was not up to driving or walking anywhere. He went to town at about 2, I got ready for the taxi for the radio therapy, he came and found me at the hospital, and we taxi'd home together. I was feeling really crappy and my neck/tongue are already starting to hurt from the radio treatment, so went straight back to bed. So far had managed only to consume a hot chocolate, a caramel desert thing, and an HP drink. Plus put myself on some water drip in the morning, but again only managed about 200ml. So I put myself on a food drip, nice and slow, but had to stop it after 200ml, felt too sick. Slept. Woke about 6.30 still feeling really nauseous and decided to take my evening pills... but L hadn't been to the chemist's. And it is new year's eve - everything closes at 5, and will stay firmly closed tomorrow. Since I only had 3 day's worth of these pills, it hardly seems worth getting them on Saturday. Luckily I do have the other anti-nausea pills to take, but they are not so strong. Anyway - I'm really really pissed off with L, he doesn't have to think about much for me, I manage almost everything for myself, and this was important.

Also, domestic help: we agreed months ago that we would need some and he decided he wanted to use the service provided by his insurance company. After yet another altercation, he finally put the online request in today. Who knows when it may start. Plus it's really expensive - I should probably talk to the social services and see if I can't get some cheaper assistance from them.

So I'm pissed off with him. and I doubt very much I'll be awake for midnight.